Monday, February 22, 2010

What's Next?

I feel like I haven't written anything of importance on my blog in a while. I think that's mostly because I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying. For the last 2.5 years we have been trying and praying to get pregnant. Each month we pray that it will happen and when it doesn't it's hard, but we hope that the next month will be our month.

Lately I've been thinking and asking myself, "How long do we continue to do this?" We are not wealthy by any means. This all comes out of our pockets...and let me tell you our pockets are not deep. It's not just the money aspect either. I'm 38 and will be 39 in July. I don't feel old and I don't think that's old by normal standards, but by fertility standards, I'm not a spring chicken.

Something else that has really been on my mind a lot lately is adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. I know that might sound odd to some of you, but it's true. When I was dating my husband, I asked him if he would be willing to adopt because it is something I feel so passionate about. I do not believe that my family needs to be created with biological chidlren. I know that some women really want that and I don't think that is wrong. I think if that is how another woman feels then that is right for her. I just don't personally HAVE to have a biological child. I do have that need to be a mother. But, I think that I can become a mother withouth carrying a baby.

I say all that to explain that lately I have been praying. I have been praying for God's guidance in how our journey needs to continue. My prayers have changed. Instead of asking to become pregnant, I am asking God to guide us in the way He feels is the best way for us to grow our family. I have had too many experiences lately that point toward adoption to totally look the other way. I question if that is God telling me that adoption is our road or if it is just that I am seeking out adoption stories. I don't want to miss what God is telling me. I don't want to be so focused on conceiving a baby that I miss out on something truly wonderful through adoption. I want to listen to God. I want to believe that He knows what is best for our family.

It is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We have some wonderful friends who tried for years to get pregnant and were finally told it wasn't going to happen. After that disappointment they adopted a baby girl. She is now four years old and is the most amazing child! I can look at their family and know how perfect she is for their family. Without infertility that our dear friends struggled with, this precious child would not be in theirs. She would not be their daughter. So when I begin to question God, I only have to remember what a great plan he had for my friends.

We also have another couple that we go to church with that we have become friends with. I have become good friends with L and we talk about this subject quite a bit. She has been so helpful and a great listener. They also struggled with infertility for a few years. They were not able to get pregnant either. They chose to grow their family through fostering to adopt. They now have four of the most wonderful children that are a blessing to their faimly. They will finalize the final adoption next month. I look at their family and think, "WOW...God really knows what He is doing." If this couple would have conceived a child they would not be parents to these four children. How could they not be a part of their family?

I read stories like this on blogs everyday and hear of other stories like this all the time. These stories make me trust God more each day. Even though I am disappointed that I am not yet a mom, I know that one day I will be. I know that one day I will have a story to share. I know that God is writing that story right now. I can't wait to see how my story ends.


16 comments:

Mrs. MidAtlantic said...

I think adoption is a wonderful chance for a child to gain a loving family. There are so many children out there who just want love...

I hope everything works out for you - in whatever way is meant to be.

Megan said...

I understand completely. I've had the same thoughts but while we still don't know if we'll adopt, we're finally open to it after many years of steering clear of the possiblity.

{You don't have your email connected to your blog/comments so I can't email you, but if you'd like the document for the diet I mentioned the other day, email me (megancarlson@gmail.com) and I'll send it to you. =) }

Andrea said...

Jennifer,

I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I'm 37 and approaching 38 in September. Like you, I feel young, but also know that time is a factor. However, there is nothing I can do to turn back the hands of time so I stay HOPEFUL. I think you said something very beautiful in that each time a cycle failed you were disappointed, but remained Hopeful. A positive attitude is vital on this journey, so kudo's to you for working so hard, as it takes tenacity :)

As for adoption, the thought crosses my mind as well, but I don't think I am ready to accept the option, as I'm just not there yet. I've always "thought" I'd be the mother to an adopted child, but never thought of adoption as a means to fulfilling my dreams of Motherhood. Now, the reality is that adoption may someday be my reality and I'm praying for guidance and wisdom. Being 37, I know that even if we are successful in having a child of our own I'd still like to give him/her a sibling. The same with an adopted child, I'd want them to not grow up alone.

Overall, the process is mind bending at times. I'm happy that you can embrace adoption and I fully support your wanting to do so. Just this morning as I was looking into the mirror I wondered why God chose to take my child? Then, I wondered why a mother would give up her child? Maybe I answered my own question...it was an Ah, ha moment for me.

Many hugs as you journey on. Know that my heart is open to you and I support you. Thank you for writing this beautiful, honest post. And, may God continue to bless you and guide you.

xoxo

MK said...

I would absolutely LOVE to adopt. The process is daunting and expensive but someday when we're able, I'm going to try my hardest to make it happen, whether we already have biological children or not.
I say go for it! Adopted children are so special. :)

Jodi said...

Jennifer, it's not an easy decision to leave behind the world of TTC and moving on to adoption,but my heart is so much more hopeful now than it was before we started the adoption process.

I'm praying that God will guide you in the right direction for your family! :)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog from another and just wanted to let you know that you have a great spirit! My husband and I are unable to have children of our own (I went through menopause at 14 years old)so we decided to go the foster to adopt (or legal-risk adoption, as they call it here in Ohio) to become parents. We have just gotten our first placement, a perfectly healthy baby boy we were able to bring home right from the hospital...we prayed so much for him and are hoping we will eventually be able to adopt him. We're smitten with him already and he's only two and a half weeks old. Foster-Adoption is not an easy process, but it is so rewarding and I'm finally a Momma!! Hope you and your husband find what is right for your family, just know that foster-adoption is a wonderful option to think about! Good Luck in the future!!

Jennifer said...

Thanks so much for all of your comments.

Anonymous~ Thanks so much for sharing your story. This is just what I was talking about in my blog. I love to hear stories like this. I will pray for you and your new little one. I pray that it works out and you are able to adopt him. ((Hugs))

Courtney said...

I have always felt that adoption would be part of our journey as well, I just don't know when or how. I'm praying for you!

Baby Wanted said...

Hello! I'm so glad you found my blog and left me a comment because I love your blog! I can relate with this post in so many levels. Your words touched my heart : "My prayers have changed. Instead of asking to become pregnant, I am asking God to guide us in the way He feels is the best way for us to grow our family." I've been saying the same prayers for months now. I pray and hope God leads us both in the right direction and I can't wait to see us both as mothers.

S.I.F. said...

I've read about women before who just "knew" they were meant to adopt, even before they knew they would have trouble conceiving. I think sometimes it really is just built inside your heart and waiting for you to embrace it. I am wishing you so much luck on this new path, because I do think it can be such an incredible one!

A said...

I agree w/ Baby Wanted- it is beautiful (and I think guided by the Holy Spirit) how your prayers have changed. As we are only feeling like we should do one ivf, if it doesn't work, we'll move to adoption. The thing is that with the expense of adoption, it is going to be a while before we can save up, and I imagine that the meantime will feel like we're not ttc'ing, and how to deal with that has been on my mind alot lately.

Praying that God will clearly answer your prayer very soon!

Faith said...

Beautiful post! This is definitely something the Lord has placed on my heart too. I pray that He would make the way known and clearly show His plans for you and your husband in growing your family. I know that big blessings are in store!!

Stacey said...

Jennifer, you have such a kind heart. Thank you for sharing how you are entrusting your future to the Lord and His perfect plan for you. My husband and I have also always felt that we WILL be parents one day, we just weren't sure how it would all unfold. There is some assurance in that, and it truly is exciting to see what He has in store for you and your husband! I can't wait to see Him fulfill the desires of your heart and fill your home with children to love. Thinking of you often!

DeniFay said...

Jennifer, I feel like you are writing my words about 4 months ago. When I look back, I was coming to the decision literally within weeks of my birthmother conceiving our daughter. It is an overwhelming process and it can be very trying just as IF is, but so far the journey has been so God blessed and such a great thing for us. We are not there yet, we've not hit the finish line, but we're on a path, and I like how you said over and over, if they hadn't had this IF journey those particular children would not have the homes they are in! I'm praying for you too, praying for God's guidance, and what I call "Billboard Signs". I pray at times for God to be blunt in His speaking to me, as otherwise, I'm liable to miss a whisper!! So praying for you friend. If you email me, I'll add you to my other blog that has some other adoption stuff. And I'm more than willing to answer any questions you have. I'm in Texas too, so I know some stuff, as every states laws are different. But when you're ready. I wasn't there 6 months ago!

Sam said...

Really beautiful post, Jennifer. You probably know from reading my blog (and you know how much I've always appreciated that) that I was never as patient as you in believing that God would provide a family for us in some way. I can honestly say, however, that I do believe now that Jarrah was fated to be with us, and we with her. However that had to happen--3.5 years of TTC, countless procedures and failed cycles, 14 months of waiting--it had to happen in that order and that amount of time to bring the three of us together.

I'd also like to say that Jarrah was adopted, but she is "my own." If anyone were to spend a day with us, they wouldn't have any doubts on that score.

Patrish said...

Amazing post! About 6 years ago, long before I new when we would TTC, I used to say to myself that if I ever found out I couldn't have children I would adopt because I feel so strongly that I was meant to be a mother. I think adoption is beautiful and I hold anyone who adopts in high regard.

 
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