Monday, February 1, 2010

First, let me thank everyone again for all your sweet messages and emails after my last post. I really appreciate them so very much! I read them all and they just let me know how many people are thinking about me and praying for us. We know each month there is a much larger chance of my test coming back negative than there is of it coming back positive. However, we are positive people so we choose to believe it will work and when it doesn't, it's just hard.

It's hard to get that negative result and then confirmation when AF arrives. I shared with a friend that this can be one of the most joy sucking experiences of my life. I don't usually let many things get me down. I am a happy person. I love life. I trust God's plan. Don't get me wrong, I still do. It's just that this can be very tough. I never want to get to the point where I am not my normal self. I don't want to lose faith in God, I don't want to lose my joy in life. I want to continue to believe that God's plan is better than mine. I need to believe that He knows the end result and even though the path may not be smooth to get there, the desitantion will be more than worth it.

So, I let myself cry and have my time of just being sad that things aren't working out the way I want them to. But, then I took some time to pray and also remind myself that yes, this is tough, but it will be worth it. I will learn things along the way that will either make me stronger, or allow me to help someone else. There is a reason for this crazy journey. I know there is. That doesn't mean I have to like it, but I do think it means I have to trust God and allow Him to lead me. I will not let infertility break me. I will not let this turn me into a person I am not. I am not going to be bitter and angry. I just can't become that kind of person. It's not who I am.


6 comments:

Shellie Salza said...

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. ~ 2 Corinthians

Thinking of you...

Stacey said...

I like this post, Jennifer. While it is definitely okay to feel the sadness and disappointment (especially when it comes month after month), having an attitude and determination like yours can make all the difference. Thanks for encouraging me today!

Courtney said...

Awesome post! I love your attitude and your heart to follow God in His plans for you! Praying for you to get that BFP soon!

Andrea said...

Jennifer,

Hello :) New to your blog by way of Stacey's blog. I can appreciate this post, as its so hard to focus on the JOY when you are faced with repeated disappointment. Recently, I wrote on my blog that I felt as if I were living life in 2 week increments and the whole process had consumed my life. I've since taken a step back and am re-grouping, as I want to own this disappointment and NOT allow it to own me.

Keep your sights set high, as "he" directs our steps. Hold on to your FAITH and you can conquer anything...we are RESILIENT.

HUGS
visit my blog sometime:
persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

I look forward to journeying with you :)

Sam said...

Really beautiful, Jennifer. I have so much admiration for your attitude--I could have used a dose of it when I was in the throes of my worst self-pity. ;) Three and a half years took a toll on me! :) It was often hard for me to remember to be grateful for all the good stuff, and to see the big picture. Now, of course, I have the treasure of hindsight. ;) And having it, I know you are very, very wise! :)

S.I.F. said...

I couldn't agree more. I am so positive and excited about my IVF, that I think the people in my life are worried about what will happen if it fails (I kind of fell apart a little after my last endo surgery when the news was not good), but... I just feel like I can't spend the next however many months in fear and apprehension. I would rather be full of hope and excitement than fear and negativity, even if it means being more let out in the end.

So, I'll be hopeful for you too, because every woman who wants one DESERVES a BFP!

 
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