Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Are You Kidding Me?!?!

I did a search for toddler adoption showers and toddler adoption yesterday.  Some of the articles that came up floored me.  I was shocked and also pretty upset!

Here are just a couple of the quotes I found...believe me there were several more where these came from.  By the way...I didn't find these quotes in just one article.

And all babies need "stuff", even an adopted child, so having an adoption baby shower for this child is not only acceptable, but necessary.

Even an adopted child????  This child??  Glad to know it's acceptable.

"I helped throw a baby shower for a friend who adopted a child last November.  This was her second child (her first was her own).  We pretty much treated it as we would any shower."

Her own?  What do we as parents who are adopting or have adopted need to do to get others to understand that children that are adopted are our OWN children?  They just join our families in a different way! 

"The addition of a new child to a family is a wondrous occasion! An adopted baby is just as much a miracle as any other and should be celebrated as such."

Here's the thing with this last one.  I think the writer of this post meant well.  What I have a problem with is the term "adopted baby."  The first quote also used "adopted child."  The baby/child was's not a term we should use to describe the child.  It's an action word...not and adjective.  I don't want my child to be five years old and have someone say, "Oh so this is your adopted child?"  No...this is my child!

Maybe I'm overly sensitive or over-reacting, but I don't think so.  I never want our child to feel anything less than completely loved and wanted.  I know I'll deal with stupid comments and hopefully handle them with grace, but I really wish I didn't have to.

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Samantha said...

I completely agree with your reaction and do not think you're overreacting in any way :(

Faith said...

Oh yes, you'll be faced with many comments like this. I have been brutal in my reactions, and graceful in my reactions, depending on the time. I have people ask me about his "mom" and "dad" and I remind them that WE are his mom and dad. And, being pregnant, some people refer to this one as our "own," and that gets a swift correction:). But, we are the ambassadors for adoption, for the love we have for our children, so HOW we educate people is so important...that's what I've been working on for myself:).

RELH said...

: )

adsf said...

People just have NO tact.

~Rachel~ said...

I totally agree with you Jennifer. I am sensitive when it comes to comments like this too! Maybe it's because we are in the same situation.

PS- So glad you are back to posting a little more often...missed you! You have to actually click into my blogs link now that it is set to wont get notifications that a posted on your news feed anymore. :-)

S.I.F. said...

It's actually insane to me that someone writing on this topic specifically would make those kind of errors!

Regardless though, this will always be YOUR child. And nothing stupid that anyone says can take that way.

Still... I do wish people weren't so stupid too. I'm sorry friend!

Jennifer said...

I hear you, girl :( It's awful the things that come out of people's mouths. I get a little offended by the term "turkey-baster" when people refer to IUI's or "test tube babies" for IVF. It just seems so mean. xo

Andrea said...


I SO understand where you are coming from. Just recently, I corrected someone when they referred to my dearest IRL friends baby, as the "child she adopted". That infuriated me!!! I simply said "she's NOT her adopted child, she IS her DAUGHTER!

Suppose I am very sensitive to this kind of thing, as my Step Father raised me and I loved him very much. But, he was never my step-father, but my Dad. Likewise, he NEVER referred to me as his step daughter, but only as his daughter and never treated me any differently than my brothers.

And then there is the whole IUI and IFV issue. Which is why we've opted not to tell anyone how our miracle baby was created. Our Dr. refers to the IUI being "natural", but others see it as foreign...or "she was inseminated, what?"

Hang in there honey, we have to educate people on what NOT to do and say, as they are just now aware of what they are doing. Above and beyond anything else, focus on "your baby", because no matter what anyone does or says, this child is going to be ALL YOURS and that is a beautiful thing!

Most importantly, your going to be a Mama! The heck with what people think, as I gave up on that a long time ago :)

Love you and can't wait till we are all celebrating YOUR baby shower :)


sienna said...

your reaction to all those comments is perfectly normal. people just have no idea and it's really sad. xoxo.

Browniris said...

Unfortunately, people just don't get it. I think the only way for them to understand is for them to be in our shoes. I don't think you are over reacting at all!

Deni said...

I totally agree with you and know for a fact that your child is just that YOUR CHILD, not your adopted child! How your child comes into your family is not necessary to define them. Like that's her child that she had via c-section, or that's her child she birthed naturally!??! Really, it's frustrating the things that people say that are so inappropriate!

Praying you have a shower for YOUR baby soon and knowing that you have the grace, strength, and faith to respond when people say these inappropriate things!!!

Continuing to lift you and Barry up in prayer!!!! So much love!!

Anonymous said...

You are most definitely not being over sensitive about the first two comments. Those are outright offensive. The last comment, I do understand where you're coming from, but most people that have not been involved with adoption, or even any other situation that is in any way outside of the norm, probably will not.

I would compare being called an adopted child equivalent to being called an albino (which I am) or a Down's child, etc. as opposed to someone that was adopted, someone that has albinism, or someone that has Down's syndrome.

There are so many idiots out there, it is hard to read about certain topics. I'm always afraid to read adoption articles online, especially the comments people leave about them!

Sam said...

Hi J,
Not only are you not being too sensitive, I think you are being VERY articulate about what is ridiculous about the word choices these writers are making.

I will say that after having been an adoptive mom (as well as a real mom :)) for nearly five years, I find much less hair-triggerish on the sensitivity thing, though people haven't stopped making weird comments. I guess at some point it started seeming irrelevant, since at the end of the day I am an ordinary mom with an ordinary kid doing ordinary parent/child things. :) Weird how the quotidian reality softened me. ;)

J said...

The comment that puts a wound in my heart is this, "when you adopt, you will finally be blessed with a child of your own. Most people who adopt end up pregnant." Excuse me??? I didn't know my "adopted" child is fake! Grrr...people have no tact!

You deserve a baby shower because your a new mommy...all new mommy's deserve to be showered with love and ALL children can use baby stuff! :)

Willow said...

Ha, I think I've read all those same articles! Those quotes are offensive, but I know most people just don't have the right vocabulary for talking about adoption. Posts like this are great in helping to get the word out though! I hate reading "she gave her baby up for adoption" rather than "made an adoption plan" or "placed with adoptive parents." I do have to admit that sometimes when commenting on IF blogs I'll say "our adopted son," which I would NEVER say IRL (he is simply our son), because I want them to know that while I have a baby, I'm still not fertile, and it gets awkward writing "our son, who joined our family thru open adoption" every time. One of my first posts ever was about my great-aunt who asked me "is he yours? or adopted?" when she met our son. I said, "He's ours, and he's adopted." The crazy thing is, she actually adopted her daughter too, but I know the way we talk about adoption has definitely evolved since then!

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