The Heart of Texas

We watched the most amazing movie tonight at church and I just had to share it with you all. It's called The Heart of Texas. It's a story of grace and forgiveness like nothing I've ever seen before. The movie is absolutely amazing. It is a story of tragedy and love. Here's the trailer.



**Because of the layout of my blog it cuts part of the video off...not that you miss anything though. But, you might want to just click on the video above and go to you*tube and watch it. It's up to you. :)

You can buy the movie here.  I can't recommend it enough.  We are going to order a copy tonight.

Getting Caught Up

My weekend was just what I needed!  I had a wonderful time with my friends and spent some quiet time with God.  The camp was simply beautiful.  We were right on a lake and there were lots of pine trees.  It was peaceful and relaxing.  We had an amazing speaker, but part of it was hard to listen to.  She struggled with infertilty for years, adopted, and then went on to have three kids.  I mean I know it happens, but after that, several people decide to tell me, "Once you decide to adopt you will get pregnant."  Or "I bet as soon as you bring your baby home, you will get pregnant."  Everyone knows someone who had that happen to them.  I don't doubt that it could happen.  I know God does great things.  I'm just not going to live my life hoping that happens. 

I'm at peace with our decision.  I'm actaully very excited to see what God has in store for us.  I'm not going to live my life hoping I am able to conceive someday.  I'm not going to keep praying that it happens and cry each month when it doesn't.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there will be times when I'm sad to see AF arrive.  I'm just not going to let that consume me anymore.  I can't do it.  We have made a decision and I am going to embrace that decision.  God builds families in so many different and wonderful ways.  Mine is just going to happen through adoption.  And, I'm excited about that!  :)

Here are some pics of the beautiful camp..  Enjoy!

Loved how wooded it is.

A view of the lake

I'm a bit blurry.

The lake

The paddle boat ride.  Katie and Amber took us on a ride

Getting ready to do the zip line with Naomi.  I was a little scared, but loved it!

Retreat

I'm so excited about this weekend because it's our annual church Ladies Retreat. Words do not begin to explain how much I need this weekend right now. I went back and forth about going. When my friends started signing up in November or December, I wasn't sure where we would be at with our fertility treatments, so I held out. Then we began looking at adoption agencies and I held off because I didn't want anything to get in the way of that. Just this past Sunday, I finally signed up and wrote my check for the retreat.

Then we had our informational meeting with the agency we really love this week. We were invited to attend the Adoption Education Seminar if we wanted to sign up with them. We are pretty certain we are going to go with this agency so we considered it, but then last night we had a long talk and there were many tears on my part. Even though this is soooo exciting, it's scary, it's new, it's frustrating and so many other things. I just had a break down moment. I'm sick of waiting to have a baby. I waited to start a family. Then we started trying for a family and had to wait. Now I have to wait to adopt. I'm just not being patient. Believe me, I know God has an amazing plan for us and I haven't lost my faith in HIM. I just had one of those nights that I'm sure most of you can relate to. Today things are looking a little brighter.

After all my crying last night, I decided I really need this weekend. I need time with God. I need some time in the woods with myself. I need time with my friends. I need time to think. I just need some time away.

I'm leaving today after school and won't be back until Sunday. I have so many blogs to catch up on and emails to return so if you are waiting for a response, just know I will get to you as soon as I get back. But, right now I need to get away.

I hope your weekend is as good as I anticipate mine being.

I just had to include this too.  It's from the website of the camp where we are staying. 

We are staying in The Woods section.  Looks so beautiful!

I Need Help...There I've Said It!

I am so overwhelmed by the wonderful comments you have all left me. Thank you so much to all of your for your kind words, prayers and good thoughts. I appreciate them so very much...we both do! I want to email each and every one of you back, but I have a problem.

Admitting this will most likely make me sound like a dork or at the least inept, but I'm just going to say it...."I don't know how." It's not that I don't know how to email...I'm a master at that. I just am unsure how to email people who comment on my blog. I leave comments for people all the time and they email me back with my comment in the email. So I guess I need help. Admitting is the first step to recovery right??? I'm not sure if there is just some quick way that I am missing that allows me to email back and it includes the portion of your comment or do I do what I normally would and go to your blog, click on your email link and then copy and paste your comment into an email???? I just think there has to be something a bit easier than that. I'm just missing it. Help a girl out!

I need even more help. Maybe this would fall under the suggestion category, but we'll call it help. I am a researcher/planner and reader. I love to read. I always have. In the summer, it's not unusual for me to read a couple books a week. Oh, the joys of being a teacher and having a summer vacation! I also like to research things. Before I make a purchase, I research the item I want to buy. I read reviews and spend time making sure I am informed. My researching/planning skills have kicked in with this adoption, big time!! They make me want to do my research and be prepared to be an adoptive parent. I want to be prepared for the tough questions some day. I want to be prepared for the easy questions. When someone asks me something stupid, I want to be prepared. When someone asks me something because they are just curious, I want to be prepared. I just want to plan ahead and have as much information on adoption as I can. Information from the perspective of the birth parents, adoptive parents and adopted child.

If any of you have suggestions of must read books, I would love for you to share them. I have found several suggestions online, but it's always nice to have personal recommendations. I'll make a list and share it in a post, for those of you who are interested.  Thanks so much!

Have a great day!  Only two more days until the weekend! 

Successful Meeting

We went to our informational meeting tonight with one of the agencies we are considering adopting through and were very happy!  My sweet husband had stopped a couple weeks ago and picked up the packet of information they go through at the meeting and I had picked it apart.  Not in a bad way.  I just read it all and made lots of notes so I could remember all my questions.  I had a lot of them.  I mean, that's what an informational meeting is for, right?  All in all we are very happy with this agency.  If we end up choosing them, our next step would be an Adoption Education Seminar and then the Home Study process.  She said the Home Study process is taking about a month right now as long as everything is ok at your house when they come out.  They would also interview each of us seperately and then together.  That seems really fast to me.  What do those of you who are going through it or have went through it think? 

I wasn't prepared for the five page checklist we were given to look through and choose what we are willing to accept, not accept or willing to consider in a child or birth parent.  Everything from medical issues, drugs, ethnicity and all sorts of things in between.  We need to spend sometime going through that.  I've heard the amount of paperwork is overwhelming and if this is any indication I can't imagine.  This is just the beginning....and not really the beginning.

I was quite nervous before the meeting, which is so unlike me.  Barry even commented that I was acting like a freak and I guess I was.  This is just a really big deal and I wanted to make sure and ask everything I could.  I had a list of course and I referenced it several times as well as asking new questions as they popped up.  The director was very patient and answered all the questions.  She even stayed after to talk to us a little more.  If any of you have any questions you think I should ask, please feel free to share them.  I need all the help I can get.

We will check into the other agencies and make a decision sometime soon.  We are not taking this decision lightly.  Although we really like this agency and it's the same agency our good friends adopted through, we want to make the right decision for us.  So, we will pray and we will investigate.  We appreciate all your prayers and good thoughts during this time.  I'm actually starting to get really excited.  It's starting to seem real!

Welcome ICLW!!

This is my first month to participate in ICLW and I am so excited! Thanks to all of you stopping by, I'd love for you to decide to stay and follow along. I'm always on the lookout for new blogs to follow and support as well.

Here's a brief history of our Trying To Cconceive. I didn't start blogging about all of this until we were seeing our RE because I kept hoping the other stuff would work, but that wasn't the case We tried to conceive naturally for over a year. Then went to my OB who put mes on Clomid. That never worked so we finally after almost 2 years (Why so long you ask?  Because our insurance pays for zero part of our RE visits and we were hoping to avoid that.) scheduled an appt with an RE. After much testing, we found out I didn't ovulate and his SA showed a low sperm count and low motility.

We did four rounds of IUI, which compared to so many sweet women I've met on this journey does not sound like a lot. Since our insurance doesn't cover any of this so the further we went, the more money we were spending out of pocket. Instead of IVF we have opted to pursue adoption. The fact that my heart has always been drawn to adoption plays a key part in that decision. Another big factor is the expense of IVF and the uncertainty if it will even work. Probably one of the biggest reasons we chose adoption is that I just can't continue to go through the uncertainty. I trust God fully, but it is heartbreaking every single month. I feel like I have lost a piece of myself over the last 2.5 years. I want that back. I want to be the happy, easy going girl I've always been. I also never want to lose that faith I have in God.

So instead of putting our money into IVF and having a chance that it might work, we are choosing to adopt. We have just made that decision this month and have narrowed down our agencies. We have an informational meeting with our front runner tomorrow night. We are excited to learn more from them and hopefully come to a decision soon.

This and That

I'm having such a great visit with my mom!  We've been enjoying our time together.  After Barry picked her up at the airport on Friday, he brought her to my school so she could meet my class.  They loved meeting her.  Then we rushed home, put some stuff in the oven for our small group karaoke night and rushed out the door to an adoption party.  My friends that have fostered just adopted their 4th and they say final foster child.  It was a great celebration! 

Then we were off to our small group karaoke night.  What fun!!  I'm not a good singer! As a matter of fact I'm pretty bad terrible, but it's so much fun!  My husband loves it and becomes quite the microphone hog.  We had a great turn out and had a great time.  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE our small group.  They are just wonderful.  Saturday was our wonderful road trip and Sunday was church.  We grilled out steaks later in the evening.  It was just beautiful here in Texas!  I am sooooo ready for Spring, although my allergies don't feel the same way. 

Today was spent running some errands and seeing a movie.  Tomorrow we plan to go to an antique store and consignment shop that I love.  My friend Amy visited the consignment shop on Saturday after I had told her how great it is and she told me they have a great farmhouse table with benches.  I want it!!  Ok...I may not want this one, but I do want a farmhouse table.  I need a dining room table desperately!!  Ours is just too small.  Maybe it will be at a super good price!!   Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Now, on to the baby front...  We have been in contact with some adoption agencies.  I think we are really leaning towards adoption.  We just don't have it in us to continue going down the infertility road.  It's been 2.5 years of trying and while I know some people try so much longer, I just don't think I can.  I also feel like time is not on my side.  We also feel very strongly led to adoption.  I know it's not for everyone and would never push my feelings on someone else.  For some, fertility treatments are the way to go and I applaud those of you that pursue that.  I guess I just don't want to lose my love for life and joyful spirit.  I feel that it was slipping away every single month I had a BFN.  Anyway...we have an informational meeting with one of the agencies next week so we'll find out all sorts of info.  If any of you have BTDT (been there done that), please let me know what sorts of questions I should ask.  I want to educate myself the best I can.  Any words of wisdom or information you could provide are most helpful! 

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement during the last couple of months.  I say it all the time, but this community is truly amazing and so encouraging! 

Road Trip

After we woke up yesterday, Barry suggested we take a road trip to Broken Bow, OK. Our small group is planning a camping trip to Beavers Bend Resort Park on Broken Bow Lake in May. Barry wanted to go scout out the area and show my mom around. We left a sunny warm day in Texas and headed north east. It started getting cloudy and the temperature dropped, but I must say once we got there it was worth it. It is an absolutely beautiful spot. We scouted out some camping sites right on the lake that will be great for our group! I am really looking forward to this trip.

We took Sam with us because he loves the lake. He heard us mention the lake and would not sit down the entire 2.5 hour ride there. After he had a chance to get in the water and play, he was a happy guy. He slept most of the trip home.

Here are some pictures of our adventure:

So peaceful

The view is so pretty.

Mom and Barry

Mom

We were getting ready to go so Sam had to get back on his leash.  He was not happy about that. 

Unfortunately, it was cloudy so the pictures aren't that bright. I'm hoping to get some great pictures on our camping trip.  Also hoping it will be warm and sunny! 

Did any of you do anything fun this weekend?  I'd love to hear about it!

Have a great week. 

Weekend Recap

Wow!  I can't believe the weekend is almost over.  It seems to have flown by.  This weekend was spent working on projects around the house.  It was absolutely gorgeous here Friday and Saturday.  On Saturday I got the shrubs trimmed, spring cleaning done and even some painting projects completed.  We kept our friends Chocolate Lab, Lilly.  She and Sam have so much fun together.  They entertain one another and are so tired by the end of the day that they both sleep so well.  It also gives us a break from our attention seeking hound! 

This morning we went to church.  Barry teaches our 20's and 30's Sunday School class.  This is actually a new class that we've just started.  We have so many people in this age group, but never really had a class for us.  It's nice to have a great group of people our age to support and encourage one another.  We had a fantastic group of friends before, but now our group has grown and we are enjoying becoming friends with more people and not just studying together, but having a lot of get togethers outside of worship and bible studies.  Barry is even planning a camping trip in May.  During our class, we are doing a DVD study called H20 A Journey of Faith from here.  It has been an incredible study that has made me think deeper about my faith and love for God. 

After church we had lunch with some friends and then came home.  I had curtain rods to put up.  We have had these old ugly gold curtain rods since I moved here 2.5 years ago.  I kept putting off getting new ones.  What was I thinking?  I honestly have no idea.  The new ones are so beautiful and make such a difference.  I am so happy with them.

Then it was time to get ready for our small group since it was our night to host.  I love, love, love our small group.  We have an amazing small group with some of our closest friends.  We are doing a book study on Crazy Love.  I love this book.  It has been a book that makes me think like no other book I've read before.  If you haven't read it, I would highly recommend it.

Only five days until my Spring Break starts and my mom arrives.  I can't wait!  I am so ready for a vacation.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Taking a Break

We decided to take the month of March off from TTC.  Did I already mention that?  Maybe so, but I can't remember and don't feel like scrolling through old posts to check.  :)  This is a busy month for us and we just feel like we need some time off.  We are going to be out of town and my mom is also coming for a week to visit.  I didn't want her entire visit to be about doctor appointments and all that sort of stuff. 

I want to be able to spend the week with my mom and enjoy having her here.  I haven't seen her since July when I was in Michigan and I've missed her so much.  My mom is such an amazing woman!  She has been so supportive during all of our infertility craziness.  She never pushes or asks too many questions.  She respects our need for privacy and knows how important that is to us.  My mom listens when I need to talk  or vent about how sick I am of not having a baby yet, but she then offers words of encouragement.  She reminds me when I need reminders that God is great and He has wonderful plans for our family.  She tells me that no matter how our family is created, we will be blessed. 

We also need a break because we just need a break.  Does that make sense?  We need to stop focusing on having a baby for just a month and just focus on us and our lives outside of the baby making business.  We need to talk and decide where we are in this process.  Are we going to continue with treatments or are we going to pursue adoption?  We need to make the tough decisions.  We need to make those decisions and feel confident that they are the right decisions.  We can't look back.  We need to have peace about our decision and know that God is guiding us.  That's hard!  I struggle with this everyday.  I pray about it and ask God to tell me what to do.  Unfortunately, He's not going to knock on my door and give me the answer I am looking for. 

While I do believe God guides us, I also think He gives us free will to make our own decisions.  I think that He wants us to follow Him and love Him, but that many of our day to day choices are just that, OUR choices.  While making decisions, I must make sure my choices go hand in hand with what I know God wants for me.  Are the choices I am making something He would be proud of?  Does my life show that I am a Christ Follower?  If I allow my life to be the kind of life God wants it to be, I know I can't go wrong with the decisions I make.  By doing those things, I know he will guide me towards what is right for us. 

I don't think God wanted me to struggle with infertility.  I don't think He made me infertile.  I think that in this imperfect world, bad things can happen to good people.  I do believe though that God expects me to praise Him no matter what.  No matter the circumstances of my life, He wants me to praise Him.  That's tough sometimes.  It's hard to trust that God knows best, but He does.  And even though I may not like this situation, and I don't, I will still praise Him.  Because even in the worst of times, He is so good to me. 

So while I'm on this TTC break, I am going to spend more time with God.  I am going to spend quiet moments with Him.  I am going to ask Him big questions.  I am going to pray for guidance.  But, most importantly I will praise Him.

Really???

I'll admit it, I'm a fan of the Bachelor.  This season was definitely not my favorite season.  While I loved Jake on The Bachelorette, he just didn't do it for me on his show.  I was a big fan of Ali and when she left I was shocked.  Then when she called to ask him if she could come back and he told her no, I pretty much knew he was going to choose Vienna. 

He protected her all season.  He defended her to the other girls.  While some of it might be the show, and how they edit things, I truly believe Vienna is not someone I would be friends with in real life.  She kept repeating that she is brutally honest and that's why the girls didn't like her.  I don't always find that brutal honesty is necessary.  While I do believe honesty is essential, I think one can go about that without being mean to others.  She was just mean a lot of the time.  There were just so many red flags to me.  Her immaturity would drive me crazy.  But, I guess since I'm around 5 year olds all day I don't want to be when I go home.  ha!

Tenley was a beautiful woman with a heart that seems just as beautiful.  The class that she displayed when he sent her home was amazing.  I'm not sure I would have reacted in such a mature way.  Then at the After the Final Rose Ceremony show she was just as sweet.  How he could let a girl like her go is just beyond me.  I found myself saying, "REALLY???  Are you kidding me??" 

While this season was definitely a disappointment for me, you can bet I'll be watching Ali on The Bachelorette when it airs.  Are any of you Bachelor and Bachelorette watchers?  If so, what were your thoughts on this season?