I feel like I haven't written anything of importance on my blog in a while. I think that's mostly because I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying. For the last 2.5 years we have been trying and praying to get pregnant. Each month we pray that it will happen and when it doesn't it's hard, but we hope that the next month will be our month.
Lately I've been thinking and asking myself, "How long do we continue to do this?" We are not wealthy by any means. This all comes out of our pockets...and let me tell you our pockets are not deep. It's not just the money aspect either. I'm 38 and will be 39 in July. I don't feel old and I don't think that's old by normal standards, but by fertility standards, I'm not a spring chicken.
Something else that has really been on my mind a lot lately is adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. I know that might sound odd to some of you, but it's true. When I was dating my husband, I asked him if he would be willing to adopt because it is something I feel so passionate about. I do not believe that my family needs to be created with biological chidlren. I know that some women really want that and I don't think that is wrong. I think if that is how another woman feels then that is right for her. I just don't personally HAVE to have a biological child. I do have that need to be a mother. But, I think that I can become a mother withouth carrying a baby.
I say all that to explain that lately I have been praying. I have been praying for God's guidance in how our journey needs to continue. My prayers have changed. Instead of asking to become pregnant, I am asking God to guide us in the way He feels is the best way for us to grow our family. I have had too many experiences lately that point toward adoption to totally look the other way. I question if that is God telling me that adoption is our road or if it is just that I am seeking out adoption stories. I don't want to miss what God is telling me. I don't want to be so focused on conceiving a baby that I miss out on something truly wonderful through adoption. I want to listen to God. I want to believe that He knows what is best for our family.
It is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We have some wonderful friends who tried for years to get pregnant and were finally told it wasn't going to happen. After that disappointment they adopted a baby girl. She is now four years old and is the most amazing child! I can look at their family and know how perfect she is for their family. Without infertility that our dear friends struggled with, this precious child would not be in theirs. She would not be their daughter. So when I begin to question God, I only have to remember what a great plan he had for my friends.
We also have another couple that we go to church with that we have become friends with. I have become good friends with L and we talk about this subject quite a bit. She has been so helpful and a great listener. They also struggled with infertility for a few years. They were not able to get pregnant either. They chose to grow their family through fostering to adopt. They now have four of the most wonderful children that are a blessing to their faimly. They will finalize the final adoption next month. I look at their family and think, "WOW...God really knows what He is doing." If this couple would have conceived a child they would not be parents to these four children. How could they not be a part of their family?
I read stories like this on blogs everyday and hear of other stories like this all the time. These stories make me trust God more each day. Even though I am disappointed that I am not yet a mom, I know that one day I will be. I know that one day I will have a story to share. I know that God is writing that story right now. I can't wait to see how my story ends.
